Archive for category Compulsive Overeating

Down but definitely not out

I haven’t been around this blog in months. Yeah, I’ve posted a video here, a recipe there, but I stopped really pouring my heart out several months ago.

Why? I don’t really know. I guess I probably gave up on myself…again.

I’ve come up with a bunch of excuses like – my wedding was coming up and I was too stressed out to blog, or that my wedding was over and I was de-stressing by stuffing my face with cheese puffs and pizza. You know, perfectly legitimate excuses.

Well I’ve had enough of my self-loathing.

I must admit to you that in the past few months, especially after my wedding, I’ve just completely let myself and my restraint go. I have absolutely no idea how much weight I’ve gained (I really, really, really don’t want to know but very soon I’m going to have to find out.)

I’ve literally been eating everything in sight. About three days out of every week I typically eat at least two meals at fast food ‘restaurants.’ And I just can’t tell you what is going on.

I know that I need to get back on track in a major way, but I’m lacking the motivation to change. But I’m thinking that I can’t take to many more days of feeling like a whale, I just feel gross.

So, my plan is to just blog about my experiences whether good or bad.

In the past I only wanted to blog when I was being ‘good.’ I guess I was trying to impress you? I don’t know what I was thinking but that’s just stupid.

I mean, so many people could benefit from my ups and downs so I need to write it all.

And I don’t want to come across like I’m putting myself on this pedestal and that I have all the answers and everyone should listen to me.

Quite the contrary.

I don’t have any answers really. I struggle with my weight year after year. And its in this struggle that I’m hoping to connect with others. If I can get through the good and bad times by writing out what my experiences are, than hopefully any insight that I may gain can go back out to you.

And this goes both ways too.

As a blog, this website can gladly welcome comments on every post and we can create this huge support network of wonderful ideas. And we can also just be there for each other.

We all know how incredibly difficult it is to lose weight. Especially when that amount gets above 50 or 100 pounds.

When you are in that boat, most days its hard to just find someone that understands.

Well I understand, and I’m here.

So from now on, I’ll just keep on bloggin…

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Notes on Healing

I’ve realized that I need to heal myself from within.  If I’m truly going to lose weight for good and not yo-yo diet for the rest of my life, I need to heal.

I need to heal my…

emotions
pain
depression
lack of self-esteem
self-loathing

I need to heal my feelings of unworthiness and realize that having a happy, healthy life is worth fighting for.

Its easy to fall back on old habits, to lose touch with why I want to lose weight.

Its also easy to just let life pass by.  But I don’t want to live that way.

There is so much to do, see, explore and I want to be healthy enough my entire life in order to participate in my life.

So I need to heal myself.   I need to figure out why I let my inner emotions use food to cope.

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I Just Ate 24 Mini Donuts – Reflections for a Better Year Ahead

I usually don’t like, and therefore don’t make, New Year’s resolutions.

However, after eating 24 mini donuts today (yes, you really did read that correctly), I figured maybe this year was the year to start.

I honestly don’t know how I got to this point. Binge eating, compulsive overeating, emotional eating, junk food addiction – I suppose I’ve let it all take over my life. Why? I unfortunately don’t know.

But that my friends is my New Year’s Resolution for 2010.

I am going to get to the bottom of all my food issues. I know I really need to dig deep and hold nothing back if I’m ever going to lead a normal, healthy life.

I plan on documenting everything on this blog – the good, the bad, and the oh so very ugly. It will be hard and embarassing of course. But I am worth it.

Happy New Year everyone – I wish you a year of happiness above all!

What are your New Year’s resolutions this year?

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Emotional Eating Articles I’m Lovin’ Today

Cheetos are commonly considered a junk food pa...
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For many of us (and when I say ‘us’ I’m definitely talking about me) emotional eating and compulsive overeating is a HUGE problem when it comes to losing weight.

I always say that I could write a book on nutrition – meaning I know what to eat and how to eat healthy. But what gets me every darn time is the emotional satisfaction that comes from eating junk.

So I did a quick search on the web today to find out what other bloggers think of this.

Here are some great emotional eating articles I found along the way…

NCPAD:Health Promotion: Emotional Eating: Exploring the Hunger Inside

In order to break the cycle of emotional eating, you must first recognize it. The following food record contains important information that can help you see eating patterns and the emotions associated with them, such as: …

Radical Radiance ©: Emotional Eating: An Update

This more consistent, less dramatic relationship with food has made me aware of a certain space, a certain open, objective awareness that simply doesn’t get caught up in the tunnel vision of emotional eating. …

Controlling Emotional Eating the Living Foods Institute Way – The …

In this video, director of the Living Foods Institute Jane Holmes talks about how to control your emotional eating successfully and what factors in your life hold you back from taking control of your eating habits. …

Emotional Eating During the Holidays « Fitness NYC

Emotional eating is defined as using food or the act of eating to fill a void that has nothing to do with physical hunger. Often there is the feeling of compulsion and an inability to stop. It can feel like the food is controlling you, …

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Strength and Focus

On the topic of strength…

One way that you can use your inner strength is by creating and maintaining a focus on the benefits of utilizing and maintaining the plan you can develop for yourself to achieve an overall healthy, balanced lifestyle.

One thing that I mean by this is being able to pay close attention to your thoughts and actions regarding food, and watching out for the tricks that your mind can play on itself.  Essentially, it means being in control of these thoughts, instead of letting them control you, and your decision-making about eating in general.

Here’s an example.  Say that you absolutely love eating chocolate.  It is one of the foods that you totally crave all the time, and end up binging on.  This is one of those foods that is dangerous for you, and one that you may have determined you must avoid in order to reach your equilibrium.

The reasoning?  You may feel powerless around it, that it brings you emotional comfort, and is something that you feel tempted to overly indulge in when given the chance.  At times when eating it, you feel like you just can’t get enough, and have trouble stopping the consumption of it.

And then the wave of guilt and remorse comes.  After gorging on it, you feel horrible, and then the emotional spiral comes where you beat yourself up all over again and end up right back where you started.

But it’s almost like it has this strange power over you, because even with all that guilt and shame, once the wave of it washes away, you may end right back up in the “danger point” – the thought that comes to mind where you think about eating some, because it is oh so good, tasty, and emotionally soothing.

That danger point is where the problem, and the solution resides.

When that thought of the ever-alluring chocolate comes into mind, it’s almost like your brain is presenting you with an illusion.  The pleasure and the reward center of your brain may be generating the desire for a temporary sense of euphoria.  This can seem so alluring, and it can seem to be something that can soothe the bad mood you have been in, or the emotional void that can make you feel empty, unworthy, and lowly.  So it keeps saying “come on, this will make you feel better,” and it can flood your conscious thought with the warm and fuzzy sensation that the first bite of chocolate can produce.

It is that temporal sensation that can seem so wonderful, even if just for a split second, that it can create the illusion that it will solve your problems, and relieve the psychological state that you are in.

So this is where, with good practice and determination, your strength can be called upon to help smash that illusion, and look past the sense of instant gratification that gets you in trouble.

This strength can help you to see clearly and realistically, overcoming the power and the gratuitous recall of the warm sensations produced by the chocolate, which delude your rational self.

So how can it work?  Well, it is actually quite simple.  When the craving for chocolate comes to mind, and the flood of associated thoughts that try to convince you that the pleasure of the chocolate binge will be greater than what comes afterward, the strength that you can consciously draw on will eventually become so ingrained that it can become the new habitual thought, and the positive outcome of resisting the binge can become more satisfying than the chocolate, and the craving for it may eventually wane away and diminish.

But “diminish” is different than “disappear,” because the cravings and positive associations of chocolate may never disappear, so that’s why it’s so important to never lose sight of what the strength provides.

So a simple method to draw upon it can work like this:

The next time you have a chocolate craving (or craving for whatever is your “danger” food), look at that craving with clarity.  Look at it as a deceptive tool that your mind is throwing at you to fall for the illusion that the gratification and “satisfaction” of the chocolate is going to outweigh the self-torture that comes afterwards.  Look at it clearly and through past experience.  Turn those illusory thoughts upside-down and look at the flipside instead.

The strength inside you can keep the focus on that realistic flip-side – the fact that indulging in a binge of chocolate may feel great for the first ten minutes, but the next ten hours that follows of berating and shaming yourself is pure hell, and is certainly no way to soothe the emotional hurt that your brain may be trying to convince you that the allure of chocolate will assuage.

Take that to heart the first time, and then see how you feel when the craving passes – and it will pass.  It’s almost guaranteed that you will feel empowered and proud of yourself.  By doing this, you can regain the hours that you would have lost to self-torment and loathing that could have resulted if you would have binged on the chocolate.

Doesn’t the repossession of your sanity and well-being sound better than a chocolate bar?

When that positive association is reinforced through practice of this, you will likely feel much more empowered when the cravings strike, and over time, the weaker the cravings can become, allowing you to open up more room to help you shift toward the equilibrium that can bring about a healthier life, and the associated weight loss.

You have the strength to focus clearly upon those danger points, and the strength to change their outcomes.  All it takes is one try, and you can build upon that success!

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But I’m Not Addicted to Food!

The word “addiction” can bring up some pretty harsh connotations.  When some think of this word, the idea of a skid-row heroin junkie or an image of a crystal-meth addict scratching away at open sores on his skin may be the first things that come to mind.  So when you’re reading about food addiction or obsession, you may be left in a bit of disbelief, because you know you don’t fit into those descriptions, so you may be thinking that this whole idea of being addicted to food is just a myth.  After all, how can you become addicted to something which you need to sustain yourself?  Food is a necessity, so you can’t just “quit” it entirely like other substances.

So let’s start by saying first of all, it can be wise to get rid of any labels or negative stereotypes that may have been placed upon the idea of addiction and the people who are afflicted by it in one way or another.  Yes, the previous examples are pretty extreme, and yes, people in those sorts of situations may have gotten themselves in too deep.  But to label them as “skid row bums” or “a waste of space” does no good.  Instead, it may only reinforce these notions, and can help bring about feelings of worthlessness, inferiority, weakness, and a myriad of other connotations.  If you feel certain kinds of food may be presenting a problem for you, then try not to let these labels influence your self-opinion or esteem.  Potentially damaging it even more by blanketing stigmas can only set you back.  Each person and his or her circumstances are different, and no one can make a sound judgment about you and tell you what you are, except for yourself.

One thing that you will see often throughout this blog is how we feel about labels and societal stigmas.  We feel these tend to work against people, and are unnecessary forms of negativity and distraction that stem from ignorance, apathy, misinformation, among other things.  We suggest trying to put them outside of your realm of consciousness the best that you can, so that you can try to approach any challenges or goals with your own personal clarity and confidence, without these pointless distractions getting in your way.

Anyways, now that it has been said, let’s continue on…  Many people may feel quite weak or vulnerable around certain kinds of food.  They may feel nearly powerless when they see a piece of chocolate cake, and when they start eating it, they just can’t get enough.  It consciously and subconsciously may fill them with a sense of comfort and well-being unmatched by other things in life.  They may begin to feel dependent on such a thing to fulfill a sense of consolation or warmth that helps assuage certain emotions, moods, depressive tendencies, or a wide range of other negative or distressing patterns.

As time goes by, they may begin to develop habits and even rituals around obtaining and consuming these certain kinds of food that they feel help to prop them up.  These foods may actually bring about a sense of euphoria or elevated sense of well-being upon their consumption.  They find themselves consuming more and more, and may begin to plan their daily activities around them.

It’s almost like they can’t fully get thoughts of these certain kinds of food out of their mind.

So let’s focus on the aspect of “certain kinds of food” instead of “food” in general when talking about food addiction or obsession.  And this is the important differentiation to consider when forming an answer to the question presented earlier:

“After all, how can you become addicted to something which you need to sustain yourself?  Food is a necessity, so you can’t just “quit” it entirely like other addictions to substances.”

Although you can’t “quit” food entirely, we feel it is important to address the certain kinds foods that may present a problem for you.

It’s another primary point to evaluate when thinking about the concept of food addiction or obsession in general.  Food in a general sense, meaning the realm of all kinds of edible material out there, is usually not the root of why some people become addicted.  Instead, we feel it is certain kinds of food.  These certain kinds of food, like the chocolate cake used in the previous example, are what seem to be the vehicle for dependency – not the entire realm of food in a general, all-encompassing sense.

When this point is taken into consideration, it may offer a more clear cut definition of the things that, along with the internal emotions and thought patterns, can be focused on as the elements to work on while traveling on the journey toward equilibrium. Understanding this may help clear up some confusion, and can help guide you toward a heightened understanding.

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Food and Positive Associations

When it comes to food advertisements, the food companies (especially those who tend to dish out the lesser healthy choices in the realm) do a great job at portraying their products alongside depictions that conjure up positive thoughts, emotions, and memories.

Now of course, they are in the business to sell food, and of course they are going to make their fare seem appealing, tasty, and memorable.  I mean, it’s only good for the bottom line and makes logical sense.

The thing I would like to examine though is the psychology behind this and how we think about food.
I feel that we all tend to associate certain emotions with certain things, and what we eat is definitely one area where this may ring true.

For example, try to recall a favorite baked good or treat that maybe your parents used to make on special occasions.  In this instance, let’s use an example of holiday cookies.  Now you may possibly be thinking of the aroma that would fill the house.  The sweet smell of the gooey, rich, decadent chocolate makes you think just how tasty those were going to be as soon as they cooled down right out of the oven.  A remembrance would wash over you of the good times to be had over the holidays with family get-togethers.  It was just another reason why you loved the holidays.  It was something to look forward to.

Now, don’t you feel like having a good old-fashioned batch of chocolate chip cookies?

Maybe that’s why you may see a similar portrayal on some commercials advertising products of this sort – it helps reinforce these positive associations.

So how can this affect us?  With some of us, it can potentially help trigger a strong subconscious desire to use certain foods as a vehicle to help us feel warm and fuzzy inside.  This isn’t all bad, but if left unchecked, it can be one component that can guide us toward becoming obsessed, or even addicted to food.  (Food obsession and addiction will be widely covered and discussed throughout this blog.  Check back in the near future for an introduction to our views on this subject.)

Okay, this can be complicated and a little-understood subject, and some of you may be thinking that you have never heard of this idea before.  We feel that it is of incredible importance to the subject of overeating though, and extremely important to understand to help overcome its grasp and to work toward a life of healthy equilibrium.

Let me start by saying that nearly everyone probably associates something positive with their favorite foods.  It only makes sense, and is the way that we are wired.

The important key to remember though is that there is a difference between embracing the enjoyment that comes along with indulging in a favorite food in moderation and the endless pursuit to recapture the essence and joy that may have been “bottled up” into the experience of your favorite foods by your mind’s positive associations.  In short, in the first example in the previous sentence, the food in general is not being used to fulfill an emotional need.  On the other hand, in the latter part, the positive associations attached to certain kinds of food are being used to recapture a positive experience that may have made a person feel really good.

The entire scope of the theory about food and how it can turn into an addiction for some people is beyond the focus of this specific post, but will be delved into in detail in future entries.  But let’s look at how it can relate to positive associations.

It can begin to answer the question that some of us may be asking, and that question is: “Why do some people never have a problem with overeating, and the associated weight gain, and some do?”  Part of the answer may lie in the difference between the two scenarios described above.  People who don’t have trouble around food may not be using it to fulfill an emotional need (or as a way to cope with negative feelings).

Conversely, people who do have trouble with overeating may indulge in certain gratifying foods because they may reinforce, most of the time without them even realizing it, warm memories that at one point seemed to soothe the soul, and many of its specific troubles.  Within this threshold is where we suppose that it can become habit-forming, and potentially turn into an obsession or addiction.

A good example to use for reference is that of alcohol.  There are many people for whom alcohol never presents a problem throughout their entire lives.  They may have gotten drunk on a couple occasions by accident or experimentation, and it didn’t really do anything that they perceived as positive for them.  In fact, the hangover the next day may have been enough to thwart them from ever doing it again.  Instead, they view alcohol as something they never really drink, or if they do, it is only in moderation to enjoy at social events or for the taste.  The alcohol itself does not fulfill an emotional need for them, and any positive associations with its effects may be perceived differently and may not have much importance to them like it might for a person with whom it does become a problem.

Now of course there is a physical addiction that can develop with excessive consumption of alcohol or other substances.  But as with any addiction, there is a large psychological aspect as well which contributes to and influences a person to develop a problem with it.  That’s what we will be focusing on.

With people who eventually develop an addiction to, or eventually have a problem with drinking alcohol, the substance may serve as a vehicle for them to try to recapture positive associations that resulted from early experiences with it.  Even though they may have gotten sloppy drunk on their first few bouts with alcohol, and got sick from the associated hangovers, there may have been just “something about” the way it made them feel.  The initial euphoria, the loss of inhibitions, the “cover up” of negative emotions – in general, it could have made them feel “really good.”  It may have helped them to not think in the negative patterns that were ailing them, even if they didn’t understand that they were indeed experiencing them.  It seemed to help get rid of these feelings, even if just for a temporary period of time.  This created an experience that was interpreted as positive, so much so that it outweighed the feeling of being physically ill the next morning!

Trying to recapture those moments could have been very alluring for them, so they went out and tried it again.  It seemed to work!  So the habit developed, and the positive reinforcement got stronger and stronger.

So fast forward to later in the progression of this addiction…  The people who are experiencing the problem with alcohol, and the detriment that can be typically associated with it, still keep chomping at the bit, and continue to drink to recapture those positive associations, even if they may now be an illusion for them.  They keep going at it, but when they wake up every morning after another binge, they feel like a mental wreck, but then the only answer seems to be the ever-alluring pull toward that “solution” – the alcohol.  The illusion, and the drive to recapture the long-faded sense of positivity that their minds keep associating with getting drunk, keeps compelling them to drink, even if the alcohol is causing serious problems for their minds, bodies, and souls.

In this case, the alcohol can be serving to fulfill an emotional need, whether that be depression, low self-esteem, negative emotions, or a wide array of psychological issues.  With many people, just abstaining from alcohol doesn’t fully fix the problem.  Instead, it can be accompanied by getting to the root of these negative emotions, which can help make the transformation in mind and spirit that helps keep them sober.  For each person, the path may be a bit different, but when the internal emotional needs are addressed, understood, and guided toward a healthier equilibrium, then the person may be less apt to revert back into problematic habits.

We feel that such can be the same for those of us whom food obsession, food addiction, and overeating is presenting a problem.

The most important thing to remember though is that, if you feel and recognize this, you are not inferior or have a mental defect.  Take all the societal labels and throw them out the window!  Just as many alcoholics, recovered or not, are incredibly intelligent, compassionate, creative, talented, loving, and worthy individuals, the same goes for those of us who may have issues with overeating!  Just because you may have negative emotions, or any of the things that come along with overeating, doesn’t mean that people who do not are better than you or that you are diseased, weak, powerless, or a plethora of other societal labels!  Take these labels and put them in the garbage where they belong!

And what can be really liberating is to understand what it is that may be presenting an issue for you, because you can then conquer it and find effective ways to manage the emotions and habits.  But there is no “quick fix” that is going to make them go away forever.  Heck, that’s what we may have been trying to do and why we overate in the first place!  We may have been trying to use food as a means to cope.
But life is much more than just “coping!”  When we work through all of these things, we can find ways to manage them to a point where they don’t cause issues for us anymore, and we can enjoy a life of freedom instead!

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What is conditioning, and how does it influence eating?

Have you ever stopped for a moment and thought about how conditioning may affect us all?  What exactly is conditioning?  Does it really apply to our lives?

From my experiences, this isn’t really a widely discussed topic, but it is something that I feel is intricately weaved within most of our lives, a lot of the time without us really realizing it.  But once we do realize it, we have the opportunity to reverse it and start on a direction toward freedom from the whims of unwanted habits, the whims of society, and the will that it and others unconsciously force upon us every day.

To start though, by no means am I suggesting that realizing this relieves a person from taking accountability for many things that he or she has experienced or contributed to inflicting up him- or herself.  Taking the stance of being a victim can only lead to powerlessness, which is contrary to the sense of empowerment which can accelerate your progress toward the life and habitual changes that you seek.

But to understand the powers that be is another thing.  Understanding that they can consciously and unconsciously influence your behavior and thought patterns and understanding what they are is imperative toward weeding them out from yourself and declaring your independence.  Realizing their influence and realizing how these influences can weave themselves into what you have control over and the actions that you take can be a very motivating factor to establish your defenses against them.  This can be very empowering and can help you plant your own roots deeper into the soils of your beautiful inner self, your true belief systems, your true happiness, and not someone else’s whims.

From my point of view, conditioning is the result of human societies and others’ desire for money, desire for control, and desire for power.  It can be the product of group “consensus,” superstitions, doctrines, traditions, habits, education, and a vast myriad of other systems.  It can be good, it can be neutral, and it can be bad.  Conditioning is very apparent in almost every aspect of life, and after all, we have to learn somehow.

So I am not going to label it really as anything in particular, and I especially don’t like to look at things as only good or bad, black and white, this or that, friend or enemy, or anything totally exclusive of one another.

It follows that conditioning is no exception.  It acts in a very good way, for example, when we were conditioned as young children to always look both ways before crossing the street.  The ingrained habit that resulted keeps us safe, most of the time without us realizing its influence.  Out of this habit, we barely even think about it every time we come to a crosswalk.  We “just do it” and cross.

The same goes for those of us who learned how to drive.  We learned that red means “stop,” and green means “go.”  How many times do we pass right through a green light, or stop at a red one, without really thinking about it?  We don’t really need to exert much though into it.  We “just do it,” because we have reinforced that habit for so long that it just comes natural.

Well, that is a good way to look at the conditioning that has affected us in not as good of ways.  With these habits that may be detrimental to our well-being, we “just do them” because we have reinforced them for so long that they just seem to come natural.  We can’t really get ourselves to think there is any other way.  I mean, could you ever imagine stopping at a green light?  In the case of safety, it certainly wouldn’t be advised, and it certainly would take a lot to get over the impulse to go right through it.

Enter the world of food.  As everyone has been eating it ever since they have been alive, this is obviously an important habit for every person and every other species on earth.  It is what keeps us going, gives us sustenance, nutrition, and much more.  It is what allows for our existence.

The biological impulse to eat is one of the most primal drives that we have.  It is what, in our ancestral times, kept us on the move.  It kept us in pursuit of survival.  It was our instinct to scour the land to find enough for ourselves and others within our community.  It was likely not as abundant as now, was likely much more simple and limited in variety, and there, in the earliest times, was likely no profit motive behind the distribution of it.

That impulse and instinct – hunger – has not really biologically changed within us over thousands of years.  But the way food is cultivated, produced, manipulated, advertised, distributed, and sold sure has!  Furthermore, the types of foods available to us certainly has as well!

During this evolution in the world of food, the by-product of habitual conditioning has resulted – a by-product which latches onto our most instinctual drive and can help create deeply ingrained thought-patterns, behaviors, emotions, and even obsessions.  Left unchecked, left misunderstood, or left powerless to them, the mind and its conscious behaviors can compel a person to react in certain ways around food – certain ways which can contribute to unhealthy habits.  This is one way to view conditioning, and a good starting point for you, if you feel that you have trouble with how you react to food, to begin to become part of an ongoing discussion about this, and a good starting point for you to condition yourself away from what you may determine is bad for you, and toward something brighter.

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I lost 5 pounds this week!

Ok, I have to make this super quick but I’m so excited – I lost 5 pounds this week! So now the total is 45 pounds lost, woohoo!!

What feels even better is that I’ve been in such a terrible funk lately and I was really starting to doubt myself and if I could push through.  (You’ll definitely know what I mean if you read my last post.)  Well, I did push through and it feels glorious.

I spent the last week in the beautiful forest of Northern Arizona and I did a lot of soul searching as well as some kick-my-butt hikes.  Its amazing how being in nature can really clear your head.

I also had a huge cry-my-eyes-out fest that I’ll have to write more about over the next couple days and I really gained a ton a clarity from feeling sorry for myself and then realizing that I really shouldn’t feel sorry for myself anymore.

So now I feel refreshed and ready to tackle the world.  I feel back on track with my eating and walking plans and I feel confident that I can just continue to push right through to my goals.

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Every day I struggle with food

Every day is a struggle not to overeat, not to binge. I feel like an alcoholic.

My thoughts feel consumed by a monster that I can’t control.  Food is my enemy but my lover at the same time.  It gives me comfort through all of life’s hard times, but because of that comfort its so easy to overindulge.

I long for that comfort every day. I go through life waging war – sometimes winning battles, sometimes losing.

It all seems so silly sometimes, to be consumed by an object. I mean it is just food right? But yet it also feels like so much more.

Lately my struggle has been so incredibly difficult.  I’ve lost 40 pounds which I am so proud of and so grateful for. But I still need to lose 90 more.  I haven’t lost weight in a few months and I’m falling back into my old habits.  I don’t know what to do and it scares me.

I’m at such a critical point. I can not allow myself to slip into my old ways and undo all the progress I’ve accomplished. But how?

I feel so…

frustrated, confused, hopeless, depressed, disappointed, uninspired, angry

I need your help. Do you have any advice for me?

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